Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean?

Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the year.

But today we are, for some reason, reminded of Monty Python. Black is white. Up is down. The Ministry of Silly Walks and a dead parrot.

So in this spirit, here’s our contribution. It’s called the Department of Wind Farms.

Let’s call our two characters … um … Simon and Noel.

Knock! Knock!

Simon: Yes?  Come in. Sit down.

Noel: I’m sick.

Simon: No you’re not.

Noel: Since the wind turbine started next door I’ve been feeling crook.

Simon: You’re imagining it.

Noel: No, I’m really sick.

Simon: What are your symptoms?

Noel: Headaches, nausea. And I can’t get to sleep.

Simon: Bollocks.

Noel: What do you mean?

Simon: You’re jealous.

Noel: Jealous? Of what?

Simon: All the money your neighbors are making.

Noel: They’ve had a swimming pool for years. I’m a bit jealous of that. But it didn’t make me sick.

Simon: Not just a teensy weensy bit?

Noel: My blood pressure goes through the roof every time the turbines are on.

Simon: You’ve been talking to that Sarah Laurie person. One conversation with her and anyone would feel sick.

Noel: Blood pressure’s up. I measure it.

Simon: Can’t be true.

Noel: Here (reaching for readouts). See?

Simon: It’s the Nocebo affect, you idiot.

Noel: What’s that?

Simon: You’ve heard of placebos? Things that make you better just through the power of the mind?

Noel: Of course.

Simon: Well this is the opposite.

Noel: But it’s happening all over the world.

Simon: That’s right.

Noel: Thousands of people all getting sick and it’s all in their head?

Simon: Of course. Entirely made-up. Collective madness on a global scale. That’s the story the media should be reporting.

Noel: So people are leaving their houses for no good reason, visiting doctors for no good reason?

Simon: That’s right. All bonkers.

Noel: How do you explain my blood pressure?

Simon: My dear fellow, living next to wind turbines is actually like living near the beach.

Noel: I’m moving out of my house. I can’t live there any more.

Simon: Ah ha! See what I mean.

Noel: No I don’t.

Simon: I bet you were planning to move anyway. You’re trying to get compensation from the wind company. That’s it, isn’t it? It’s always about money with you people.

Noel: I love that house. I don’t want to move.

Simon: Wingers, the lot of you. Moving out of perfectly good houses, complaining about wind turbines. They’re just like big desk fans. How could they do anyone any harm?

Noel: Not interested in buying it, by any chance?

Simon: What?

Noel: My house.

Simon: Don’t be ridiculous.

Noel: In fact, you can have it.

Simon: Have it?

Noel: My house. Completely free. Yours.

Simon: You’re prepared to do that? Give away your house?

Noel: I can’t live there.

Simon: And you would be willing to give it to me? For free?

Noel: Yep.

Simon: (Unsure) Okay.

Noel: But it’s on one condition.

Simon: What’s that?

Noel: You have to live there for three months.

Simon: Live there?

Noel: Just for three months.

Simon: I’m not sure about that.

Noel: Small price to pay for a house, wouldn’t you say?

Simon: You’re completely barmy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a class to teach.

Noel: I thought you said living near wind turbines was like living near the beach!

Simon: (Running off) Absolutely – but salt water gives me hives.

And now, we resume normal programming.